Nun swears

[tony-b-3.2-v6]

The nun playing golf
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it" When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running,an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun ?

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws,it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and stopped about six inches from the hole.

The two nuns were silent for a moment...................

Then Mother Superior sighed and said,

"You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?

 

[Keeno]

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf.

Moses was first, but he sliced it hard into the water hazard. So he walked to the edge, spread his arms and parted the hazard. He then walked to the now dry lake bottom and hit the ball out, and then hit it again for a par 3.

Next it was Jesus' turn. His ball landed on a lily pad near the center of the same water hazard. So Jesus walked across the water to the pad, and hit the ball in for one under par.

Finally the old man is up. He swings and nails the ball straight into the same water hazard. Before it hits the water, it's swallowed by a fish. A hawk flying overhead swoops down and grabs the fish in his claws. As the hawk is flying off with the fish it gets hit by a lightning bolt and drops the fish on the green, the fish spits the ball out and it lands in the hole for a hole in 1.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says "Look, Dad. If you don't stop ******* about we're not bringing you again..."

 

[alijames]

A chap is playing golf with the vicar, and is not having much fun.

1st hole he lips out from 3 feet and shouts 'Damn!! Missed.' The vicar purses his lips but says nothing.

A similar thing happens on the next hole and then the next. Eventually after 6 holes the vicar is getting quite upset and says 'You should not swear in the presence of our Lord. He could smite you down'

The chap apologises, but forgets on the next hole when he misses another simple putt, and shouts 'Damn!! Missed.'

Suddenly from the clouds a thunderbolt shoots down and vaporises the vicar. The chap is astounded, and then from the heavens booms out the words 'Damn!! Missed'

Cheers,

 

[Khufu]

very good, 3 classics!

 

[lil_coz]

lol very good

 

[grim ree]

oldy but a goody

A man decides his wife would enjoy playing golf with him so arranges lessons with the course pro -who explains all about stance, grip etc and the says' like I told you, you grip the club firmly, but not too hard, say like you hold your husbands penis- now give it a go"

The woman takes the club and hits a shot straight down the middle of the fairway

" excellent " says the pro" Now take the club out of your mouth and we'll try for more distance"