Help Please Won’t start, no dash lights

Pjgsp

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Good day all. I have a 2009 A4 B8. The car will no crank no start. When I insert the fob nothing comes on but the e brake light. If I open the door the screen will say please remove key. The radio turns on but no sound. No brake lights, no interior lights, no wipers, no headlights, no horn, no power windows, I do have parking lights, lights on the doors work, power locks work, I have checked the floor boards no water from the sunroof, battery is good. The key will push in and release. I have pulled out every fuse and checked them bought new relays and swapped just to check if one was bad. Nothing please help before I blow it up lol.
 
Could be the key socket itself at fault, I'd start there considering you've checked fuses & relays.

Assume you've put diagnostics on the car?
 
Could be the key socket itself at fault, I'd start there considering you've checked fuses & relays.

Assume you've put diagnostics on the car?
Could be the key socket itself at fault, I'd start there considering you've checked fuses & relays.

Assume you've put diagnostics on the car?
I tried a hand held scanner but it won’t connect.
 
I tried a hand held scanner but it won’t connect.
Perhaps you can provide a bit more history about the car.
How long had it, mileage, service history, number of owners, etc.
How old is the battery?
Any mods been done on the car?
 
Has the car been in a crash where airbags have deployed?
No
Perhaps you can provide a bit more history about the car.
How long had it, mileage, service history, number of owners, etc.
How old is the battery?
Any mods been done on the car?
Had car for 4 years battery is 3 years old. Never had a issue with it, I have never been in an accident with it( not sure previous owners) It has a k04 turbo, down pipe(cat delete) new coils, single in dual out dyna max exhaust with a stage 3 tune. 122000 miles.
 
Fit a new Battery.
Sounds like Energy Management is active - this would show on VCDS.
 
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Fit a new Battery.
Sounds like Energy Management is active - this would show on VCDS.
Would it stay active if I had jumper cables hooked up directly to battery? Every time I check battery it is never below 12.5. Just had it brought to friends shop he is gonna put on scanner and try to figure it out. I believe he has batteries I will have him try just to be sure.
 
When owners start messing about with the factory settings, it can cause all sorts of weird problems.
I'd be looking at battery and/or immobilizer to start with.